The Days!

morgq @ 2007-06-23T04:57:00

2007-06-23T09:00:03Z

never in my life that i have loved someone the way that i love you
and i feel like shit for the way that i have been treating you
becuase you re right..
its not fair
and
im not right
i make not only myself miserable
but myself miserable for the way ive been treating you
you are my everything
and i dont trust you
and i act like i dont need you
but if only you knew
if only you knew how much i put into this
how much i have given up
how many things i have thrown away for you
if you knew..
maybe then you would understand
your the only thing there is for me
and i know its wrong to rely on one thing
one person..
but i cant help it
its you
and its me
and im scared to death to lose that
i dont know what i would do with myself if that happened
and im scared to even think that because even just thinking that destroys me.
anf so i have to prepare myself for something like that
and thats why i said what i said tonight
thats why i told you a contemplated the worst
because if i didnt it would be so much harder.
if you only knew
if you only read my journals
if you were only there to see everything that i have done to be with you
everythign that i have ever said
everynight that i would cry
everything that i gave up or let go
becuase all i would think about was you
you and me
holding me
being with me
holding me
hoping that one day you would tell me that you loved me
just as much as i loved you
ive never seen you the way i did tonight
i knew that i sccrewed up
i know that i made you not want to be with me
but thats the thing
i ask it becuase its all its ever been
im too much for you
but you say you still love me
when before you gave up
and i dont know what to believe
i dont know what your limit is
but i do know that im pushing it
and i regret that
and im more sorry than you will ever know
im sorry that i cant change
im sorry that its so hard for me to trust you
im sorry that i dont make you as happy as you make me

for four year
every fucking entry was inspired by you
i was your fucking yo yo and you had no idea
so dont think i didnt care
dont even pretend
me at my worst
most people forgot
but i remmeber
and its something i carry with me everyday
its something you never lived through
and its something i never wanted you to see\

and its something you never will have to see

Jan 5th,2006

i dont care right now. i was fine. i was fucking fine. and then you go. and you do this. you go and you pull this shit on me. and i fucking take it because thats how bad i want it. i take in all your bullshit lies. make you feel better for yourself, something that i said i would never allow. why. why the fuck would i do that to myself. and then i think i could be doing this to someone else. well screw it. i feel like shit for it. i feel like shit for hurting someone the way i feel right now. and i cant stop it. i cant make it go away. i cant make myself feel any different than i do right now. i hate that i cant be your friend. i hate that i want to soo bad. i hate that i like all these people, and i cant establish something wiht any of them. becuase theres all these complications, and at the same time i dont want anything. wiht anyone. but than comes the question why?.. well that i dont really have an answer to it. maybe its becasue im scared, maybe its becuase i dont want to hurt. maybe its becasue i dont want to hurt someone else becasue the truth is i wouldnt be able to care about them. i dont think i could care about anyone that way right now. and it fucks with me. becuase you fuck with me. i was doing so good, until you came back. so fucking good. i was moving on, i didnt need you. but then again, i still dont. and to tell the truth me saying that comes much easier than i thought it ever could. i can do fine on my own. and i do fine on my own. maybe im better off on my own? the thing is.. thats not what bothers me. what bothers me is so much more. im reading a book right now. and i talk about it enough. but the reasons why i do. is because for me. its so real. it opens my eyes to see how much shit this guy went through. to see how hard he had fallen. how much shit he had to endure to get back on his own two feet again. what people dont know is why it is im so against drugs, why it is that it pains me to see people i know do it. its because ive seen what its causes, what it turns people into. i hate it. i hate it becuase i lose them to it. ive lost them all. the ones i fucking loved. the ones i would take a fucking bullet for. they left me for it. in the end they fucking chose it over me. for a substance. for something fake. for something that doesnt give a damn. for something that had no feelings, that in the end destorys and kills you. and i let it happen. and i gave up. and when i gave up. they went harder. they fell harder. and i watched it. and i sat there and i seen it happening. and with that i did nothing to stop it. and i still do nothing. nothing i can say can change the way any of them act. its not my business and if i tried to say something thats exactly what they would say to me. should say to me. i dont wnat to push them away and i know that thats what i would be doing if i tried. tried to help. is that pathetic. no i think its just the truth. its not doing weed. its not smoking crack. its not emptying a bottle. its not about the age we are now. its about down the line. and its that the people i care about most that are affected. its that they are the ones that are so far gone now that i dont know what there is left to do to help them. this isnt about me and the way i feel. i can handle this. ive had it on my shoulders for so long. i just dont think you can handle it. keep it under control the way you think you have it. i say nothing. i laugh it off. talk as if its a joke, im pretending.. because what i have to say shouldnt matter. what i would say you already know. and then some wont even talk to me about it. scared to hurt me. it fucking hurts more not knowing. but i dont blame you. i blame myself. in more ways than one. i fooled myself for the longest time. in more ways than anyone can understand. i placed all the hatred i hate for it all, for everything they do, and i pushed it into the back of my mind. the biggest mistake of all. for i didnt realise that it would soon be placed onto myself. it back fired. and i lost control. i became this. this non - person. someone who has fallen so deep that she can no longer stand tall as she once did. who can no longer look into the eyes of peoples faces. who cant go to sleep because her stomach is aches in emptiness. who cant look in the mirror without wanted to vomit everywhere becuase the person she sees is disgusting, both on the inside and out. she cant eat without wanting to run a mile. who survives the day on at most 2 bowls of cereal. she jokes about it infront of a corwd. acts as if its not serious. acts as if its getting better. has gotten to the point where when with friends she takes food in the smallest of portions to look like shes taking in more than she is. has gotten to the point where she vomits in her mouth becuase her stomach has shrunk so much that she cant keep it down. and lies saying it no longer occurs. shes scared to death for herself. and alone wants to cry. alone is scared to death. alone wants to fix herself. and trys. but cant. shes embarassed by it. by the thought that people notice. see that shes weak on the inside. i know its bad. and when people tell you you look disgusting. tell you they see your ribs and when you can no longer fit into any of your old clothes, it tears you apart. you want to fix yourself. but you cant even begin to know how. and you dont want to get help. becuase you think its getting better. you tell yourself its better. but you know better. you know its not. becuase what is it you change. nothing. so what you go from one fruit to two. one bowl of cereal to two. but then what comes. more exercising. more wanting to get rid of it. every bite is regret. this someones not her. but is it too late? its never too late. but. what can change it. what the fuck can change it. i hate it. its always been there with her. this hatred she feels for herself. this self conciousness. its her weakness. her biggest weakness. and its starting to destroy her. how shes acts. who she is. all she does is pretend. all she does is lie. to herself. to her friends. to her family. about everything. her feelings. she doesnt know what she feels anymore. about anything or anyone. shes tired of being hurt. but hurt is the only emotion she feels. the pain. its bittersweet. helps her knows shes still alive. shes causes herself the pain. but then again its helped by the question why?. she questions why before she falls asleep. confused, lets her hopes up, only to fall back down. but shes doesnt care anymore. use to it. she shouldbn't be, but she no longer cares. and thats the truth. she no longer cares and she just waits till the day she will be gone from this place. moved on away from everyone and everthing. gone into the real world. with new faces. new problems. maybe bigger. but never as hard. thats where she wants to be. and thats where she going to be. no one can stop her anymore. holding back is no longer an option. she doesnt cry about any of it anymore. love. from her family, from them. it means nothing. its a stupid word. its means nothing. its a fools word. it means nothing. something she nevers wants to hear again. say again. think about again. its not that it hurts. its that she doesnt care. let go. fuck that. she cant forget, she wont forget, and she never wants to forget. wishes mean nothing anymore. shes wished for it. shes prayed for it all. and in the end, stays helpless. pleads to make them change how they feel, but she knows its impossible. she wants to make them forget her. forget everything she once was, forget who she is now. becuase doing this, to them, pains becuase theres still a string there that shes not ready to cut. becuase the poeple she needs the most are the ones she has to push away. she cant confront her problems to them. she doesnt know how to. she doesnt know how to talk to them. make it real. show them the way she actually feels. fronts a mask. fronts a word. doesnt know where to begin, how to start. scared to let it out. but then is letting most of it go onto this. no one can fix her but herself. and therefore she just wants to go it alone. be left alone to herself and her sickness. the girl cant even type her fucking sickness. the word. shes too scared of it. she erased it. she cant look at it. she cant describe herself in that way. for her it leaves no hope at the end of the tunnel. and thats the most shes holding onto right now. and with all that the story doesnt even begin to end.

Jan 10th, 2006
im scared.
i more scared than i have ever been. and everytime i go to school and finish a class i get more scared. scared to see him and face him. why? becuase well i dont want to see his reaction. what if just as quickly as it starrted again, thats how quickly it fails. i dont want that. i dont want him not to care. but then he said he does. and he said there was reason he hasnt been with other girls. he said it was the best night he had in a long time. he told me he missed me. told me he was thinking about me. said he wa wrong for how he acted, that it was a barrier he was putting up. i dont know what to believe, becuase i want to believe him so bad inside, but that trust that i had is gone. i hate it. i hate it becuase its up to him and i dont know if he knows it. i keep trying to convince myself that i dont want him. i dont want to go through all that shit again, but thats only because if the outcome comes to the fact that he wants nothing to do with me, the pain wont hurt as bad becasue i made myself believe that i didnt want any of it as well. its stupid of me, stupid of me becuase i know i will get hurt. im worried about my future to. im just starting to get my grades up in school, besides chemistry, but who gives a fuck about chemistry. and well i know that if we were together, i would plummet, because ive done it before and i dont want to fuck up like that again. but i would. and i know that. and i dont care because, like i said, i would give up my future for him. i would give up everything. im scared too because i seen the pictures. the blood, there was just so much. and it pains me to see it, it pains me that he doesnt tell me. it pains me that he has been alone and lonely for over a year, and the harm that he could have done to himself because of it. it hurts, and makes me want to cry, makes me want to hold him and tell him i love him. makes me want to beat this. beat this habit. beat his habiit. and the drugs. i dont know how far it goes anymore. and im scared to find out. i know its bad. but just not as to how bad. i love him tho. i love him and because of that i would be there. i love him and because of tha ti will never stop. i will never stop. and i dont care if people dont believe me. i wont stop , i cant stop. and i will never be more happy than when i was with him. i dont even remember it. i just rememeber how bad i hurt and thinking back i dont know how i went through it. i dont remember the pain, but i can look back and see it. see howi reacted. how i cried. everyday. for months and months. a mixture of fear and regret and love and memories. it didnt end. it never fucking ended. and then i was starting to get my life on track, and he came back into it. and i want him. he kissed me. he touched my face and he kissed me. again and again. i wanted him too. he knew i did. he was looking in my eyes. stared straight into them. and he kissed me. i returned it. and i fell. because nothing else mattered. there were no other thoughts in my mind. i was with him, and there was no where else that i would reather have been. no other thought than, him. he held my hands, he held my body. he kissed me. again and again, he kissed me. no place i would rather be. i wanted to stay. i would have stayed. i love him. i dont care what other poeple would think. i dont give a fuck. 2 fucks. 3 fucks . 4 fucks. he needs me. and for some strange reason i need him. i need to feel him. that. what we had. i need that. i need it more than anything. it makes me feel alive, it gives me strength. i thought my sickness was me. but he can fix it. i dont know why. i dont know how. but he fixes it. he makes me want to be better. so i could be with him. im getting better. i need to get better. size 3s dont fit me. i need to get better. i just need to get better. and i wil get better. becuase i need him. i want him. and i will have him. just like i always said.

Jan 12th, 2006
kinda pissed , kinda not. kinda disappointed, kinda not. kinda over it, kinda not. kinda wanna vomit on you. kind of alot =P.

lol its cool tho because i dont know.. im use to it, and yet i cant get over it. its cool tho. this helps a lot. i deserve better. im not a fucking prize that you can pull out whenever the fuck you feel nessacary. im stronger than that, im better than that, and if you think you have me wrapped around your god damn finger i would think a fucking gain. just like i said. dont play with me, ill play you just as much back. i hope you like me, i hope you fucking fall in love with me. because 2 can play, and i wont let you get the best of me, thats not how i want to be known. you kissed me and you didnt mean it. good, becuase when i kissed you i wanted to vomit in your mouth. you suck. like a fish out of water. have fun with the drugs and the alcohol. hope it takes you places.. bye

lets go further

Dec 29th

i dont know why i let it get to me. but i do. i let you get to me, when i always know whats going to happen. but its not until i see you does it acutally hurt. lately i have been able to handle it. brush it off as if nothing, but tonight. well tonight i cried.

Dewc 15th, 2005
so... some, more like one, is sitting there going.. what happened last night, since i didnt call ;). but the truth is.. umm nothing. suprised?. im definately not. its alright. becuase i made 20 bucks in the process for watching my lil cuz and playing monsters and robbers till about 11:15. and that was hardcore for me since i was hungry.. and tired as all everything, but you know, i now have 140 bucks for christmas shopping for fags. =).

what is it i feel right now tho? and its hard to say anymore, becuase well its always the same. its just a sense of disappointment, wishing and regret. i had the chance last weekend and i passed it up. because i made myself realise that i was a "good friend". yeah a good fucking friend i was being. no one knows how shit i felt that day. no one knows how much i wanted to be with him. how much i regretting going. and no one even took notice i was there to all that i gave up. but you know what i cant change that, so why even try.

but what is it i feel? i cant express it, and im so sick and tired of trying. everyone thinks that this is what i want. that i want you back. but ive doubted it so many times. ive thought about it, and a sense of panic goes over my entire body. you will hurt me again. i know you will, you always do. not on purpose. but i can tell now, and that probably what gets me the most. i now when your fucked out of your mind, its like you dont care about anything, and you just talk just so you can hear yourself. i dont want that. but then when your not. i fucking fall for you all over again. becuase your real. but i cant win. i cant have you one way and not the other. i know that. i hate that. and i dont want that. its a sick cycle rollarcoaster that we put ourselves through. we get to this high point and then just like that everything crumbles, and then i feel theres no hope and just about to give up, we go back up again. im so tired of playing, i want of this ride. but i cant get off, and its not willing to slow down for me. i wish you could hear this. i wish that somehow i knew why your doing this and for once and for all what it is your feeling. i say i give up, ive said ill give up. but i never do. the truth is that i care more about you than most will. but i pretend like i dont. its not easy. its never easy. but its what i do, its who i am. are you scared to see what may happen?. i know i am. and thats the part of me that gives a second glance and goes into the state of mind. what am i doing? and tries to back out. but see, i dont, only that once. becuase i could never forgive myself if i never seen, if i never took the chance to see what may happen. theres so much you dont know, so much i want to tell you. you ask me the questions that make it so easy for me to answer. its like you care. a front, maybe but it works whatever it is. ive never been able to talk to anyone about my life the way i did with you, simply becuase you were the first and with that we got on this whole different level. discussions of real things not just a so what'd you do today thing, and that opened the gate way for me to release some of it on other people. not keeping it all locked in. i dont know what it is im saying here. all i know is that sure its fucked up again. over nothing. but then again its not even a new year. theres so many more chances to see. but im done with trying to make us even have a chance. if you want me, you know where to find me. you always do.

and even further...

i hate getting my hopes up. but you know what. i do it everytime. i get a kick out of crashing and burning? no not really. its more like, why not. at least ill be extremely happy for that brief amount of time. soon enough ill hit bottom, not rock bottom, just bottom. and then ill get a false hope again and rise back up =). if truth be told. all hope is false hope. for everything that goes up must come down. fucking gravity. how i spite you

this is the truth :

the truth is i love you more than anyone will ever know. the truth is that i think about you every second, even when im talking about something or someone totally different. everything i write, involves you. the only times i cry is by thinking about you. how i miss you. more than i have ever and will ever miss anything in my life. everytime i look in your eyes i just want to melt. i just want to kiss you. not just to "kiss" you, but becuase i want to feel you as a part of me once again. i want to know that your in it the same as me. i have never been able to be as happy as you made me. even with others. it will never be the same. i would give up everything for you. and you dont even know. and if you did you wouldn't even care. i dont want to give you a sense of satisfaction, but im starting to give it to you more and more. i hate that i want you. but i wouldnt' want to want anyone else. becuase the memories, your laugh, how your so stupid, and how you get so angry, and how your so messed up, i love it all. everything about you. the way you are when people think your retarded, or when people think your cool. everything. i dont want to sound obsessive. liek one of those girls and thats why i dont show people. its becuase i could never let you find out. your the one for me. we are suppose to be together till the end. and everytime ipicture my future without you in it. i dont want to live. i lie awake at night crying, listenign to music. because i just want to be with you. and the thought that you could want me for less than that. hurts me more than anything. take what you can get?. fuck that. i dont want you in that way. it was never that way with you and it will never be that way. this feeling for you that i have, is something that i have never experienced before. its the one thing that i cant handle and takes control. your voice. makes me cry. how sad is that. that when i hear you talk i wwant to cry. that as i type this, i get these insane amounts of butterflies. how i feel this awkwardness between us and that hurts more. that i never knew you. just the memories. when you said you loved me. and even the stupid things. when you spilt chocolate milk everywhere. watching tin cup, or playing with those fucking dollarama swords in you front yard. our fights over the dumbest things, and how we would get so mad, how much i missed you. that was the worst feeling in the world i said. when you were gone. if i knew that i would have to feel that for the rest of my life. i would probably have already been dead. i will never be able to open my heart to someone the way it was open for you. you stole a piece of me, and i dont ever want it back. i can't stop loving you. and i dont want to. i never want to. becuase i still want to be with you. and i always will. and eventually i will be with you. theres no way that i can survive if im not. thinking about you. i fall into this quiet unknown person. someone that i never knew before. someone who gives 2 shit about anything. fuck im scared.

...

male number 1: hmm.. i think i like you the most, but you screw me over in more ways then one; as in you get my hopes up asshole. but for some reason, it intrigues me. and i want you more, but i really dont? we're jsut soul mates; nothing big.lmao. just kidding [?] good days anyways, so in conclusion, male number one: fuck it<33333

....

umm so yeah i dont know what going on with that boys head. and i have gotten to the point where i dont really care anymore. i can do much better than him anyday. so why do i bother. becuase i like taking risks. i get a kick out of it for some odd reason. knowing that ill crash and burn. it makes me interested. i know my feelings towards him. its not at a high capacity so im not hurting. not that this matters so im done

.....

- another thing is im not going to sit around here and wait for him to make up your mind on if you want to be more than friends or not. becuase frankly he confuses me more than life itself. im a different person completely than i was a year ago. but whatever. im not going to be a mouse going to the cat.. all needy asking for it. if he wants something, he would find the courage to tell me, if not same thing goes. i just dont like not knowing, becuase i have other options and i dont want to waste my time on a maybe. so ill give it one week, and see where that takes me. if shit goes down it does, if not well that cool too.

....

holy effing shit..
what has just happened..?
did i really say those things?
did he really say them back?
is this a joke, or a dream
am i extremely happy, or just extremely confused
both
im just in complete and udder aw.
for the first time i have nothing to say
nothing that makes sense at least
if only you knew, how long ive waited
if only you knew all the things ive written
all the words ive spoken
everything
so unreal, theres nothing i wanted more
wow, please no one say anything
at all
its just
no one knows.. no one. like this feeling..
this feeling scares me
i said it
i got the courage.. and i said it..
and no one knows
and everyone thought i was a fool to even attempt it
and maybe i am
but i dont care.. because
right now this feeling... is so scary.. is new.. and yet completely old.
a joke, of wanting something from me. thats may what this is
ive been used before
and it hurt, if im being used by you.. i dont know.
there were so many signs for me to tell you
this day
the 26
its the fucking 26th
i cant do this right now.. i have to go watch tv or soemthing..
i told you all i would write when it was time
when i was happy*
well i just might be that* happy again

...

. i want max so bad but at teh same time, as of the feeling right now. i dont know what i would do with him. if i had him we are two different people now.. it wont be the same. but then again i love him. and therefore nothing else matters. i need him.. god please make him prove it too me. no more lies to hide behind, take way his fear, and realise it on to me once again. i can handle, becasie all i want is him

....

walk down the hall, into the cafeteria. i look for him. and once i find him. i wanna break down and ccry. i wanna go up to him and tell him the truth. i wanna sit there and stare. i wanna show him that i care and that i never wanted anything or anyone more in my entire life. but then again when i find him. i wanna huirt him. cause him as much pain as he has me. make him understnaf that this is not a game. i wanna watch him wither away into the nothing that i have become. but i do nothing. i pretend. o god do i pretend. i prentend not to see him. i pretend not to care. i pretend for another day that hes not the one. i pretend for one more day that hes not the one i love. it gets easier. hiding my emotions. its a daily routine. get up, put on my mask, and hide every ounce of who i really am from the world. for a part of me doesnt want anyone to see who that is anymore, in fear. fear that they wont like me, for being me. that then theres no going back. that then. i can never be loved again. in any chance or by any means. its nothing but bullshit. this caring. im sick of it. i never wanted to pretend. i never thought i wont have to. love is suppose to be expressed to the fulliest exstents. ive come to realise that just as its thhe emotion that makes you live, its also the emotion that kills. people die for it. everyday. every teenage suicide. its for the ones they love. becuase they cant live without them, therefore they would rather not live at all. its so pointless. but then i look at how im feeling at this moment. and i go to feel this everyday for the rest of my life. what would be the point anyways, im already dead. to me, there all i would need to live, and to them im all they need to not even care. to look twice. its almost as if its too much to ask. are you scared. scared to be with me. to feel that strong again. or is it the complete opposite. is it that you just actually dont care. for some reason that makes this all so much easier. believeing that thats the reason. but at the same time, gives me no hope that we may ever be. either way im left out. and im alone. either way i feel the pain and i am forced to go through it on my own. i made it a year. but now im realising that no time can erase this feeling, no time can heal the wounds i have inflicted upon myself. they may not be shown on the outside. but inside. its nothing ut a black hole. an emptiness that hasnt been filled for so long. dont get your hopes up you told yourself. but i did. i got them up so high. that the forces of gravity were bound to act upon them sooner than later. mayybe its better this way. maybe its the purpose. but then again. i asked for a miracle last night. i prayed to god to be given some sort of sign. a reassurance of what is really happening. if this is a sign. if today was a sign. i dont know how that makes any sense. becuase everything that has happened has done nothing but doom me of my faith in whatever it was that i had left. im failing in my life. i have no idea where it is i want to go, and im screwing up every chance i have of trying to get anywhere. this is ot what i expected. this is not how it was suppose to be. my dream. my life. was suppose to be wonderful and magnificient and now here comes the harsh reality of knowing that it will be far from such a miracleness of beauty. its gotten to the point that theres no point in even trying anymore. trying to succeed in what i chose to believe. i dont even believe. a friend. a suppose best friend. comes to me and states that they dont feel close to me anymore. that becuase i didnt go to something that supposively wa the greatest thing that they have ever experienced in there life. i am no longer part of the big picture. that you changed for the worse and i should sit there and take waht every you have to say to me and stay calm. after all the shit i have been through in these past few days. you have no idea. leave me the fuck alone. you dont know anything about me. and we were never close to what you may have thought. i dont tell you anything. i never have and apparently i never will be able to. becuase whatver little but of closness we may have had left. is nowe gone. for good?. i dont even fucking knw0 why i try anymore. and then you come home and you make everything more difficult than it already was. and then we scream at each other. living in a household of terror. never wanting to walk in in fear that it will be just like it was the day before. always wondering if your going to be home today. i no longer have to think about it. theres a certain time limit and once you cross it. well thats when i know. i know as soon as i hear the chiome of the clock., another day alone, another day inside my head, another day of wanting to get out and another day of not knowing how. how to stop this circle. i have been trying for half of my life. and that hgalf is getting wasteed. im wasting my life away on you. trying to fix you . trying to fix me. its never going to get better. it never has. i know that and yet i still pretend i still fake it. why the fuck dont i let people see. why the fuck dont you care. why the fuck are you here. you ruined everything. it wa sgoing perfect and then you came back and everythign started its self over agian. i can fucking handle this right now. im sick of you and your lies. im sick of the way ive been used. how you say you loved me. when it is a clear and pointless fact that you never did. you use that word like i use the word fuck. as if its nothing. as its meaning has to deal with nothing more short of this. you dont know what love is. and ill be fucking damned if you ever figure it out. this is love. what im feeling. i have never been able to express in words. i always stated it as this feeling. this feeling i can comprend. but i will never be able to state. and thats just it i cant. i look at myself. i see what it does to me. the good the bad. i know i loved max. i didnt ever fucking question that. i asked if thats what it was and i knew that it was. i knew. fromt hat moment. i would cry just thinking about him. i cant cry anymore. the pain has already be washed away. its a dry and empty land deep inside my soul. i dont know when thinds are going to get better and i dont think that they ever will. with anyof this. trust. its a fools word. love. is the fakest and most over used saying out there . but here as i say it now, truer words were never more clear. i love you and i love you. and i hate that you are never there. and i hate that you dont care. i hate the way i stare at you without you even aware. i hate the way you put me down, everytime i give it a try. i hate the way i love you becuase i hate the way that you may neer love me back. im scared for this one. the one who always wants to be there, who would do anything to be there. and cant . how i puch her out of my life. the way you do to me. to think i could make someone feel the way i do right in these moments. it eats away at me. slowly but surely, i begin to crumble. im in the lowest of lows. i dont evem remember the feeling of being that high. that feeling that nothign can penetrate me. as soon as that wall came down. the arrows allowed themselves in and i was struck with enough force to keep me down. and then i let them up again. as quickly as they were to fall. and with that fast paced movement. it was shattered and now theres noone left to pick up my pieces. no second chances because i finally lost mine. the one i wanted for over a yeart for. this isnt fair. to love someone this much and have them not evemn care. its not worth it. and it disgusts me. my fucking miracle. is this it. hurting. well thanks. becuase i never asked for this. i asked for asweres and i didnt even get them. i feel like shit for speaking this way. i feel udderly disgusted with myself. to talk to you in these hateful words. but i cant express it any further. i believe in you. i really have to. becuase without that. i have no place that i could potentionally be. i would have no reason for hoep to hold on, i would have no reason to continue to wake up every morning, to get ready and step outside my door and see a brand new day. but in that brand new day, cant there be something waiting for me. some answers that might just clarify my mind. show me the way. answer these or that one question. tell me. show me. let me know. is all that im holding on to. is it all for nothing. becuase if it is. im stuck. becuase theres stil no way i will be able to let go. and i dont know if i ever wil

...

i just realised that i feel sick. sicker than i have ever felt. i let him get to me so eaasily. and i dont know why. he leads me on. makes me believe him, just like he did that day when he said he loved me. just like that day where i watched him cry. just like that day he looked me in the eyes told me i was beautiful and wished that this would never end. or when he said he was giving it all up for the both of us. what bullshit. ow naive could i have been to sit there and take it all in, believeing everyword that he said. and then this weekend. i thought that maybe just maybe, he could actually be telling the truth for once in his life. that in spending the day together was something that actually brought back something. and the fact that he sat there. ill prove it too you. prove to me what. that you can lie again. that you can wrap me around your fingers so tight that i hold on to every breath you take. i would give up everything for you. i have. no hesitation to do it all over again. but then again you know that. i know you know that. i think its gives you a sense of satisfaction that someone can love you so much. you like watching the pain. watching me fall head over heels for you with every word you speak. every glance in your eyes draws me in, never allowing me to let go. its always been you and be it that you know that or not. you arent able to accept it. i expected it. but at the same time that doesnt mean that i wasnt hoping for something more. that maybe you havee matured into what i alwyas knew you could be. back in my life. how can one love someone so much and not be loved in return.?. its makes no sense to me. why would god do that to someone. its not right. its not right at all. for someone to feel the way i do. its the worst feeling. it feeels as if. no one. nothing can make it go away. that i will be forced to live in this shell. i have locked myself away from ever being close enough to open myself again. to the way that i was before. it wasnt the same with tj. the memories werent better. no one can make them that way and i know that they weren;t. i hate being played the fool. i always have been. my dad, max and even tj. it liek the no they have this power over me and they use it against me in such away that picks apart every single one of my feelings. i hate it. i hate how they do this to me in such a fashion that i feel isolated. i hate that i let them. i hate that i loved or love them. i let them do it all again. and for what. to get hurt again. do i like it. of course not. but then why do i do it? becuase i care. and beciase i want it so much that i cant let go.
let go morganne you just need to let go. why are you still holding on. you know its lies. you know its always been lie. he doesnt want you back and you knwo that he never will. so why are you doing this? put away this razor that cuts through you and bleeds out your heart. get rid of the memories by burning the past away. you need a future. you need a future full of life. your living in noting right now. and you know that. dont hide from your feelings. thats not what im asking. embrace them. and let them go. if god is true and if fate really does exist, well then theres no worries, and it will all come to rest in time. till then. what do you do? i have no idea. and thats when this all becomes so hard. becuase i have no idea how to fix it. make the pain go away. make the love stop. to stop feeling anything. but then again. maybe your just worrying over nothing. maybe he did actually have to go to bed, and maybe he was just having a bad day. but what he doesnt realise is just how much his bad day affects mine.. everyday is a new day. and everyday brings something different. maybe tomorrow. i will see the truth. maybe then he can prove to me that he cares. that he always may have. but then again maybe tomorrow. he wont look at me. maybe tomorrow he wont be there. and mayeb tomorrow is when i know that all hope is lost. and im hanging on everyword you say. if only you knew. if only you had a clue of what goes on through my mind when i look at you. if only you knew how much i love you. and how i never will be able to stop.

...

theres not really anyone i would prefer to leave a message except myself

accept it. move on. let go. dont hold back. and do it all again. over and over. until the pain resides. its coming much faster than you believed it would. all good things come to those who wait. your waiting. youve been waiting. and finally its coming. you are accepting it. youve said it many times before. the same things. over and over and over. but you know that you will continue to do so. only this time, you have faith that whats meant to be will be. always youll wonder, and always youll care, and always remember. but as long as you dont hold back. take it all in strides. everything. let it come your way. dont let people get to you the way you do. acting in mist of pure ignorance. they may think they know you, your beliefs and values, but they dont. dont change that. for them at least. in the end its there lost. but at the same time, isnt it yours as well. accept it. move on. let go and dont hold back. in everything you do

....

please make my heart stop racing
your voice makes me quiver
your touch makes me tremble
and to think
you are the one
*silence*

....

i fucking want what i cant have.
but this time..
if i have it
i wont ever let go:)

....

and thats only half of the entry within half a year

he has no idea
i guess he never will
and i wish he did
the private ones
the ones no one has seen
but me
there there
in black and white
when no one knew i was feeling that way
i wrote them
and i hid them from everyone but myself

morgq @ 2006-08-15T19:08:00

2006-08-15T23:09:37Z

No Words Can Fully Describe It All...
so.. well this is one of those times wehn music can't even cure my thoughts mainly becasue i dont even know what my thoughts are. ill get to that all later though.
Today i hung out with kaila and christina and ellisa. watched some 13. seen that movie more times then i can count. literally though. but still i love it none the less. umm read cosmos and found this depressing story about how some gurls boyfriend killed her sister and then himself. i was like sweet..nope. but then i found some random funny things that put me in a better mood so it was all good. umm did alot of talking about things. lmao.. and i dont know it was a good time i missed those 2 very much so. but then they all left by 11 and i was like ill stay at kailas for another 15 minutes or so.. but ended up staying for 45 since we started talking about certain things that as bad as they make me feel at the same time i am so glad that i know. Anbd i can understand why she never said anything before. really kaila i do. but yeah so all that talking got me to do some thinking. I dont know what it is that i am thinking though. But within all this thinking and contemplating over it all i have decided not to let a single tear shed, mainly for the fact i know once i start i dont know how long it will take me to stop. I just can't do that right now. Its just my eyes are finally opening. How clueless and oblivious i am to the things and people around me, i had no clue. The most painful feeling because i just sit here and know i can't do anything but at the same time i can't stop myself from wanting to. Everything is so much easier said then done, but when i see people tempting others or pretending to be something they aren't to them, or even just not awknowledging something is not right when they are one of the only people who know there isn't. It just sickens me really. Right now i just feel hatred towards those people and pity for the ones they are doing it to. Its down right disgusting and i just wish i could scream at them, show them from my prespective, from the one they are lying tos prespective. Naive is what people think i am. I told myself i wasn't but now i realise how much i was mistaken. Sure there are others worse knowing than me, however i just dont want myself to see the harm in the world that i shut my eyes to it all. Watch as it passes over me, just not letting any of it fase me into the reality that people are living. Things are beginning to suprise me less and less, and just confusing me more and more. I know i can handle it though. I wont allow myself not too. I just worry, but im starting to learn that that doesn't help anyone, i must just be myself and take it on, becasue i cannot back away from the things that scare me the most. Ive learned to be generous and caring for everyone, because you never know what may happen behind closed doors. Life is shit sometimes, but people need to realise that something always will come along and make it better. God didn't just put us here to live shitty lives without getting at least one good thing out of it. And even if it is only one thing that one thing could mean the world, something that you would regret you missed out on, becasue there is no feeling like a happiness that is unexplainable. In the end just feeling it has made life worth wild. I know that it gets hard, but in having and keeping people that truly care about you close is all that is needed to make one bad day turn into something magical. I dont know. Maybe none of this makes sense. Maybe im just all sugarcoating life. Thats probably what im doing. I cant help it though thats my hopes for life. What i wish to believe is true, it most likely isn't but its faith and really in the end thats all i have.

*This is the next morning and well im writing this in hopes no one goes back and reads old journal entries. but if so oh well i just dont feel like starting another sad one at this moment. But basically the morning after feeling goes like this. Understanding and yet oh so much more lost. I wrote alot about it all to myself this morning, laid in bed for an hour just thinking about it, both last night and this morning, and from it all i don't know what it is to do. All i have come to is the fact that i can't do anything and that hurts more that any of it. There is nothing. Its not like im giving up hope. Becasue as a previously said last night, "its faith and really in the end thats all i have." Its so true. For me its comes down to the fact that i feel this sensation of being completely powerless, complete over run with emotions and nothingness. however the only thing that may keep me from feeling completely down is believing and praying in God. i know to some it may sound stupid and that im just a stupid gurl into believing in something that most have hid away from, due to lack of changes in there life and the world. But if only people could see all that God has done for me, and even themselves. I use to pray to God every night, sometimes for me, sometimes for other people. One day i just stopped becasue nothing was happening, i realised than i had to help myself before any real changes could occur, and then he did it for me. I don't know what im really saying here, and i dont know the point of it all. all i know is that i dont think i could wake up every morning if it wasn't for him. I think that everyone has shit in there lives. Every single person, and yes some are worse than others, but if people could see into the lives of people i know and love then they would believe to. Because in teh end our lives are always better than someone elses and our lives will always be worse than someone elses, but without any of that pain we go through we may never have learned, we may never have lived. I think of all the mistakes i could have made upon myself if things were perfect. Its just a pointless way of living and wishing everything would be, becasue nothing is ever perfect. Sure wish for things to get better, eventually in time they will, even if its a few months or a couple of long ass painful fucking years. Wanting things to be fair is just a pointless hope, for in the end nothing ever is. with every decision one may make in the end someone always gets hurt. Is that fair, definately not but its a harshful reality. Shit i dont even know why im saying all this, its nothing but gibberish. Nothing i haven't said before, i fucking love people too god damn much, i wish they all knew that i would take a bullet for anyone, seriously. Man i just wish peoples pain would go away, i wish they all knew better, i wish they seen the hurt they have inflicked on other, i wish they realised that they have to do it for themselves and not to please anyone else. Fuck it all. I dont blame them, i never will be able to. I just pray that they will all get better and recieve the thing they need to change. To make there lives turn from a complete and udder mess to something that makes them want to get up in the morning. Everyone has that something, or that someone, its just takes time to find it. I just hope that people will be willing to wait.

morgq @ 2006-01-15T07:16:00

2006-01-15T12:17:53Z

im deleting my livejournal...
no one ask me about it, i thought about it and yeah
it was fun while it lasted.. might do it agaain sometime..
bye all

morgq @ 2006-01-14T16:40:00

2006-01-14T21:45:49Z

kinda pissed , kinda not. kinda disappointed, kinda not. kinda over it, kinda not. kinda wanna vomit on you. kind of alot =P.

lol its cool tho because i dont know.. im use to it, and yet i cant get over it. its cool tho. this helps a lot. i deserve better. im not a fucking prize that you can pull out whenever the fuck you feel nessacary. im stronger than that, im better than that, and if you think you have me wrapped around your god damn finger i would think a fucking gain. just like i said. dont play with me, ill play you just as much back. i hope you like me, i hope you fucking fall in love with me. because 2 can play, and i wont let you get the best of me, thats not how i want to be known. you kissed me and you didnt mean it. good, becuase when i kissed you i wanted to vomit in your mouth. you suck. like a fish out of water. have fun with the drugs and the alcohol. hope it takes you places.. bye

morgq @ 2006-01-14T09:43:00

2006-01-14T14:43:47Z

i havent updated in a few days.. i know i state the obvious alot but what are you going to do.. sue me;). im just going to get straight to the point of everything. i dont care if you read it or not but yeah. anyways feel privledged if you are reading this tho. and remember its because i trust you all and dont care if you know. cool =P

last night was the dance, another obvious fact, anywasys im not going to go into detail about what went on exactly becuase you all were most likely there and yeah would be quite boring to resite it all. i dont know what im doing though. why im becoming this person i dont want to be. i mena i want to be with him, i mean i like him. but im just giving it all so easily. its bullshit and i do it becuase i want it in return. i dont want this. this "friends with benefits".. and im not going to give it to him. he has to decide what he wants, becuase i dont even know anymore. i dont know if i should believe him, right now i feel used, when im suppose to be feeling happy. this isnt what i wanted. but at the same time its exactly what i wanted and if i knew last year at this time this was what would be happening i would probably live on sleeping pills to make the days go by faster. mind then i wouldnt have experienced much that i have in the past year. becuase this year had alot of things happen to me. i made some mistakes. i found things out about myself i rather wouldnt, but then again there were amazing times with new people and i experienced love again and everything that came with it. so i wouldnt take it all back, im just saying that this is well fucked to say the least. i dont know whats going on. im scared by whats going on. i know why we didnt work in the first place, and i know why we did. the things that broke us led to a fear of it. and the things that kept us together was me being me and not giving in to it. i dont want to give into it. and i wont, but things are so much easier said then done. i want it too. i want this bad, but im not going to sacrifice myself to get it. maybe im over exaggerating everything here. maybe he does likee me for real. maybe this is beyond friends with benefits. i dont know. and thats the thing i dont fucking have a clue. and that leaves me scared. because i dont know if i wasnt to go beyond any of this. im afraid too. im afraid becuase of the person he is. how much he intakes daily. i know hes a fuck up. he knows that. and i dont know if i can handle that, for i know that he wont be willign to change for anyone the second time around. he chose it over me before. and its not like i want him to change, i just dont want him to be so deep into it like he already is anymore, because im scared and i care more than anybody will ever fucking care about another person. why i chose it to be him? i dont know. its more like he chose me. when i needed him the most he found me the first time, and now, its hard to say. becayse i do need him again. he cures my sickness as sad as that sounds. i dont know how he does it, but he does. i know i sound like a fucking crazy stalker person right now probably, and its not like that at all. i just am trying to figure this out. i said i wouldnt worry about it and look where its got me. more fucked up and confused than ever before. thats sweet. the question is what do i want this to be? the answer is still un known. because what i want i can never have.

morgq @ 2006-01-12T18:37:00

2006-01-12T23:38:57Z

for now on... im only letting approx 4 people read my journals..

so for all of you who can
thanks for respecting my privacy ;)

all you others.. i love you.. but...
theres certain things that i dont want you to know
sorry

bye.

morgq @ 2006-01-11T18:23:00

2006-01-11T23:23:52Z

i like you..

morgq @ 2006-01-10T07:03:00

2006-01-10T12:20:46Z

im scared.
i more scared than i have ever been. and everytime i go to school and finish a class i get more scared. scared to see him and face him. why? becuase well i dont want to see his reaction. what if just as quickly as it starrted again, thats how quickly it fails. i dont want that. i dont want him not to care. but then he said he does. and he said there was reason he hasnt been with other girls. he said it was the best night he had in a long time. he told me he missed me. told me he was thinking about me. said he wa wrong for how he acted, that it was a barrier he was putting up. i dont know what to believe, becuase i want to believe him so bad inside, but that trust that i had is gone. i hate it. i hate it becuase its up to him and i dont know if he knows it. i keep trying to convince myself that i dont want him. i dont want to go through all that shit again, but thats only because if the outcome comes to the fact that he wants nothing to do with me, the pain wont hurt as bad becasue i made myself believe that i didnt want any of it as well. its stupid of me, stupid of me becuase i know i will get hurt. im worried about my future to. im just starting to get my grades up in school, besides chemistry, but who gives a fuck about chemistry. and well i know that if we were together, i would plummet, because ive done it before and i dont want to fuck up like that again. but i would. and i know that. and i dont care because, like i said, i would give up my future for him. i would give up everything. im scared too because i seen the pictures. the blood, there was just so much. and it pains me to see it, it pains me that he doesnt tell me. it pains me that he has been alone and lonely for over a year, and the harm that he could have done to himself because of it. it hurts, and makes me want to cry, makes me want to hold him and tell him i love him. makes me want to beat this. beat this habit. beat his habiit. and the drugs. i dont know how far it goes anymore. and im scared to find out. i know its bad. but just not as to how bad. i love him tho. i love him and because of that i would be there. i love him and because of tha ti will never stop. i will never stop. and i dont care if people dont believe me. i wont stop , i cant stop. and i will never be more happy than when i was with him. i dont even remember it. i just rememeber how bad i hurt and thinking back i dont know how i went through it. i dont remember the pain, but i can look back and see it. see howi reacted. how i cried. everyday. for months and months. a mixture of fear and regret and love and memories. it didnt end. it never fucking ended. and then i was starting to get my life on track, and he came back into it. and i want him. he kissed me. he touched my face and he kissed me. again and again. i wanted him too. he knew i did. he was looking in my eyes. stared straight into them. and he kissed me. i returned it. and i fell. because nothing else mattered. there were no other thoughts in my mind. i was with him, and there was no where else that i would reather have been. no other thought than, him. he held my hands, he held my body. he kissed me. again and again, he kissed me. no place i would rather be. i wanted to stay. i would have stayed. i love him. i dont care what other poeple would think. i dont give a fuck. 2 fucks. 3 fucks . 4 fucks. he needs me. and for some strange reason i need him. i need to feel him. that. what we had. i need that. i need it more than anything. it makes me feel alive, it gives me strength. i thought my sickness was me. but he can fix it. i dont know why. i dont know how. but he fixes it. he makes me want to be better. so i could be with him. im getting better. i need to get better. size 3s dont fit me. i need to get better. i just need to get better. and i wil get better. becuase i need him. i want him. and i will have him. just like i always said.

morgq @ 2006-01-09T17:00:00

2006-01-09T22:13:33Z

i deem this my first public entry... in awhile.. hmm what to say..

i went after school to get my shot. waited in the docotrs office for a year. got creeped out by two older men. very creeped out =|.. anyways.. so yeah didnt hurt at all. and yeahhh

alot of things are hitting me lately. alot of things are coming out. and i dont know what im doing about it all. im left to make choices for myself and i just dont know how to go about making them. i want it to be easy. but i dont think it can be just as simple as it sounds out loud. espicially when outloud, nothing makes sense. the hardest choice comes not from myself persay, but for myself. what is it i want?. out of everything. not just one thing. but everything. one thing that pisses me off is when my decisions arent up to me. their up to others. my fate is in the hands of others. now thats one fucking scary thought. makes me kind of want to vomit. i just worry too much. but its weird, becuase right now im not worrying, more like anticipating. anticipating for what? i dont know yet. but for things to happen. with my friends, my family, myself and them.. hmm.. so lets restart this whole rollarcoaster of pain, sweat, and tears. i may not be ready for it, but truthfully, right now, theres nothing i want more.

morgq @ 2006-01-08T00:31:00

2006-01-08T05:37:29Z

so..basically.. boner
yup
lets bone
right now
right fucking now
just got off the phone with him..
you know who he is
and if you dont
you clearly suck
and im going over tomorrow to watch movies
ypu
that cool
was suppose to sleep over
thats cool too
yup
im basically
dying
yup
thats even cooler
i was shaking on the phone..
and i basically want him
and i ont know what he wants
im calling him tomorrow
yup
thats cool
the coolest thing of all is
that i have been waiting for this for over a year
and i cant even describe this feeling right now
and i dont care
im fucking scared and yet fucking happy
and no one ruin this for me
my hopes are up
they are up pretty fucking high
so ruin it
and i will bitch slap you all
yup
thats cool eh?

morgq @ 2006-01-07T19:32:00

2006-01-08T00:32:46Z

fuck boys
and fuck when they ask you to go over when you already have plans..
and fuck that i like them..
and fuck that im not going..
and fuck not being there when we send messages through msn..
and fuck drugs and people who do them..
and fuck a million little pieces...
you know what
fuck this.. lmao..
there will be other opprotunities.. at least now i know he dont hate me.. unless he invited me over to secretly attack me with eggs.. and knowing him that may be the case..;).. lmao

morgq @ 2006-01-07T13:16:00

2006-01-07T18:24:43Z

i've lost any chance for me to say to say that i miss you.. say that i love you

i wasnt prepared for whats to come.. a life made of memories gone so young

and now im regretting all ive done

but in your heart know im with you all along

***you were the one who sat through nights and held me tight and make sure im okay

...and i thank you for the love you gave to me*

its not the words.. its not the memories ..its not the people *its just you

2006-01-05T06:33:21Z

morgq @ 2006-01-04T10:19:00

2006-01-04T15:42:57Z

now now.. ive come to see that everyones entries lately have been .. how does one say .. oh i know.. SAD! DEPRESSING.. make me want to cut my wrists and vomit in the toliet until i am completely empty.. well thats all a little drastic.. but i think sums it all up. well i was thinking about writting a umm.. morgannne real one.. but ill save it for later.. becuase lj has had enough saddness for a few days worth.

music note* standing on your mommas porch you told me that youd wait forever, holding your hand in my hand i knew that it was now or never.. those were the best days of my life.. ... i guess nothing can foreverrr foreverrr noo!.. hhaa.. ... and now that times are changing look at everything thats come and gone.. sometimes when i play that old 6 string i think about you and what in the world went wrong.. THOSE WERE THE BEST DAYS OF MY LIFE!!! *end music note.

sorry about that the song just came on and i love that song and so i felt that maybe if i sang it to you all you would get a smile on your face because you would think of me running around my house in tazz boxers with extra large sweat pants on over top that go half way down my ass and a black mettalica t-shirt with my hair up in a hat so i look like a have cancer screaming the lyrics at the top of lungs.. now umm this is all just you picturing it in your minds remember.. its not actually happening ;)..

soooo.. ive decided to make a short top ten list of things i love in my life right now..

1- my fucking friends
2- the book a million little piece
3- the fact that ludracris is now belting in my ears telling me he wants to lick my from my head to toeess
4- im happy with my guy situation.. even though i dont know where that stands .. lol
5- i can eat without throwing it up now
6- theres still like 5 days left of the break
7- my room is basically done painted
8- ive got over my fear of being with people..=)
9- i have that cinnamon toothpaste and it taste so0o0ooo goood
10- and for the most part.. my actions

things a hate.. hmm ill make it a short list becuase i want the good to outweigh the bad
1- the weather hasnt been nice all break
2- boyfriend just came on and i hate this song
3- 2 days overdo
4- i have projects comming out of ears
5- annndd.. how i still do this thing i do to myself that scares everyone i love..

thats satisfying enough for me.. and if you read that.. i hope you are satisfied with it too...

well that all for me.. right now.. im going to go do something that makes me happy.. im home alone for 6 more hours.. think of the possiblities..

i love my life becasue you are all in it.. awww.. i know its cheesy but its true.. you guys mean the world to me.. and im done with get all mushy mush.. eww. lol.. just rememeber iill be there for you all..you just have to find me and tell me.. ill let you make your mistakes on your own.. i wont stop it if i see it comming becuase i feel its something you need to experience.. but once you have.. find me.. ill be waiting.. and if i must i will punch you in the face =)

xo

morgq @ 2006-01-02T22:51:00

2006-01-03T04:33:37Z

well.. anwyays i have decided to write in this.. i dont really have much to say.. but i figure ill find some bullshit to say anyways.. i mean i always do ;)

hmm.. so ive been pretty good lately.. today went to windsor for over 5 hours and then came home.. rocked out to blink.. and i mean.. "rocked out".. then lis asked to go over.. did had some fun times with her cousin chelsea dying her hair and watched house of wax.. i think i actually had a seizure during it.. becuase it was so gross. i was flipping out. and i dont normally flail(sp?) my body around for just any movie.. so surprisingly it was pretty good..even with paris hilton in it..i mean she dies.. thats all i need to be satisfied;).. so yes overall pretty good day.. though msn annoys me because in trying to talk to ali my thing keeps fucking up and it wont allow me to send messages so sweet?.. to tell the truth i dont really care.. hes kind of strange anywyas.. lol

my family is doing pretty good.. havent talked to the sister all break.. i dont even know if shes still alive?.. lol.. and my dad going back to work tomorrow. so thats cool.. house to myself for a bit. is it sad that im excited for him to be out of the house. he knows i love him.. just some days i need my space you know. oh and good news.. my dads kicking my uncle out in the summer =D.. again is it sad that im excited?.. nah.. he was suppose to stay for only 3 months.. its been 2 years.. GET OUT !.. finally.

umm.. so im pathetic.. yup.. like we all didnt already know this tho. i mean.. come on honestly. i count down the days. yup.. sometimes i hate myself. im hoping that its tomorrow, because its certainly not tonight=(.. oh well..

where am i with myself right now?.. worried. very very worried. and sort of guilty. yeah what can i say.. i like to feel emotions that tend to make people slit their wirsts.. graphic i know.. but deal. its just i dont know. people dont understand how much i care about them, and i know that even if they did it doesnt matter. it just bugs me that i know that what i say wont matter, either that or they will listen to me just becuase its me?.. something like that.. and so therefore i dont say anything and just go along with it all. everyone learns the hard way right. i just worry that the hard way is more than some of them can bare. i mean, ive watched alot of things go down with alot of people, and didnt let myself stop that from happening, i feel responsible for alot of it which is expected eventhough i know its not my fault or anything. its still there you know. and well you know, people are gay and impact my life and well i think that those people should just get together and buy me a one way plane ticket to hawaii for it all =).. i would definately be a "happy" girl.

theres a line from a song that is way overplayed that reminds me alot of my thoughts.. i have rearranged it tho so you know.. "so hard to stay, so hard to leave it".. okay well i didnt rearrange shit because i forgot how i did it earlier.. you get the picture tho. for me, its like im so scared to move on from well, alot of things and so i dont but at the same time its so hard to stay here, like this, becuase it gets to a point where it hurts more than imagined. but at the same time its so hard to leave it, becuase i dont want to let go, i dont want to forget, becuase its what i want you know. so basically in the end im stuck.. or fucked.. either way it fits my life. stuck + fucked = stucked?.. sure

on to other things.. random thought.. sometimes i wonder what happened to my whole analogy..
boy likes girl, girl likes boy, they go out, they break up, the end.
i think i missed alot of some inbetweens there becuase it seems so straight forward. but if truth be told.. it doesnt ever fucking end.

oh yeah.. to kaila and maryu.. J l's real name is definately jackie. i pissed. that and kenny asked me who i was about 3 times today. i think im blocking and deleting him?

friends. almost forgot to mention that lot.. lol.. well.. i must say they are doing amazing and i couldnt be more happy with them in my life right now. so thanks guyss.. thanks a million and one pieces. you all know who you are so just give yourself a big ole pat on the back. well if you feel proud of yourself?.. lol..most of you should tho.

school one week =(..

oh my new years resolution.. hmm.. i havent took much thought into this one.. let me get back to you on that.. possibly.. dont let anything, [feelings, worries, people] stop me from getting what i want. haha.. yeah thats a gooood one.

anyways tho im off to go worrrk some muscle and start reading my book for eng isu.. im so fucked for that. i hope i dont cry during my book. its about a drug rehab patient. a million little pieces. oprahs book club. sue me.

night all

xO

almost forgot to mention.. why is it that one song can change your whole entire mood.. fucking country shit.. no wonder i havent listened to you in a coons age.

morgq @ 2006-01-01T11:03:00

2006-01-01T16:28:22Z

so first of..

happy new years everyone...

i hope you all enjoyed your noight of festivities..
i know that we did.. well i dont think kaila did..well actually she did =P.. obviously!

well if you didnt get the emaill.. or did.. im going to explain it again more detail..

we get lost going to the house.. we though it was on the otherside of the road.. so we had to drive around like 5 times.. finally find the right one and think shit. its going to be a vagina fest.. so we were sitting in the car for about 5 min going im not getrtting out first.. becuase.. well.. we are chicken shits.. get out of the car and there is like just a line of guys waiting.. we go.. yeah hey.. and they dont tlak to us.. so we standing there looking like complete idiots.. and then finally nick came.. the only person we knew besides brain and kong?.. lmao.. anyways he showed us his house and stuff and we get into the basement and its not a vagina fest.. its more of a sausage fest times 20.. actually tho. lol.. so yeah we played "stripped" poker.. and 70 guys come.. and some we scary becyase they kept staring at us becuase we were defniatly the only girls. then danny and ali and some scary dude sat with us and we were tlalking and they we smashed. well ali was for sure. lmao.. he was umm how he said it " so buzzing right now man".. lmao.. and then he would be like.. why you so far away.. i go ... im 2 inches from you?.. lmao.. and mary left?.. "ahem" anwyays.. and kaila was chillin out like a pimp to weirdos.. lmao.. i love ythe people she attracts.. actually tho.. . and then ali started to tell me he loves me and i got scared so i was ike kaila lets go find mary.. and we did. the end.. and so me and kaila played crazy eights and then guys would come up and watch us agian. scary . yup. then ali found us agian. and wanted to go for a talking walk [ghetto hands].. so i was like.. kaila.. wanna come with me. and so she did. thank the lord. and ali wanted to fight her. becuase ali only wanted a talking walk for one. but i was scared to be alone due to the fact he was buzzing like a beast and touching me.. very.. umm.. closly like.. and was holding my hands and body like a teddy bear=\ so then kaila liike na uh [waving finger].. you dont do that to my firned.. and hes all.. this my cuzz.. and going on about how he was a boxer and wanted to fught kaila and waas getting all up in that.. for a time.. he called me his girl =\.. so then we went back downstairs.. with the ghetto people.. and kaila laid on the couch upside down.. just like she alwyas does.. and random talkings to poeple. we foiund mary again. and chinese guy who asked our names and we probably shaked hand with 573957943 people. and kaila told them all our names were amherst and villanova.. and that we wetn to kaila morganne and mary school.. and they believed.. she had a good time. also kaila got tooken pictures of from scarface with alis phone.. at which he has my number in it =( and recorded me on video=\.. and then scary 30 yr old man was taking pictures of us randomly.. and yeah.. lmao.. so then mary and kaila decide to go for a gander.. and no one knew what that meant.. and so i was left in the basement.. alone.. with ali.. thanks guys.. lmao.. and we went for a tlaking walk to find them becuasse i wanted to. and one of his cuz came out with us. then left.. and i was like okay.. hows ift oing.. and then some guy was taking a piss behoind the shed and ali said something to him.. and he thought he wanted to start a fight.. so he all comes up to us.. and i was like shit.. but then his cuz came out and stopped it before it happened and i found mary an d kaila again.. and then we sat and chit chatted.. and i dont remember the rest till the ball dropped.. except that chinese man puked in the pitcher. after was hilarious.. nick waiting outside with us for our cab.. he was smashed..had over 60 cups of beer.. but he handled himself well.. and kenny joined us.. we love him.. and then J L came out and was all. morganne.. i go how do you know my name?.. lmao.. and then he was tlaking and like ill be bakc in a sec.. goes in the car newxt to us and starts sniffing cocaine and hot boxing.. yup.. lmao.. and then lulu came and was probably the funniest person on the planet and if you dont know him i feel sorry for you.. anyways hung out.. got cold.. cab was a year late.. so went insdie for a bit longer.. got emails.. said goodbyes.. and got in cab.. and that was our new years.. well some of it.. hope yours was a awesome as ours.. lmao.. becuase it was definately pimped out! =P.. and we were so sober so suck it trebek.

morgq @ 2005-12-29T23:41:00

2005-12-30T04:43:41Z

morgq @ 2005-12-28T22:42:00

2005-12-29T03:42:45Z

someone write an entry!.. im bored and i will commment very largely so!:D

morgq @ 2005-12-28T20:11:00

2005-12-29T01:37:34Z

well its been some time since ive updated this thingy here. well alright i lied. maybe not that long. but all in all its been awhile soo.. shh =)

i just come to realise that i really love father of mine by everclear..<3.. its make my insides giddy?

anwyays back to this.. sorry got distracted by msn for a tidder bit there. anwyays though.. so hmm.. how are things with me lately? what a question to ask myself. i dont know. really good yet at the same time really bad. sound familar..it should, i say that in basically every entry. but its i dont know. lately i have been preoccupied with the whole christmas thing..and then im redoing all these rooms in my house right now, well just mine and the living room sortof..but still ;).. i just gah, been shying away from people. making plans and bailing at the last minute for no reason. blocking people from msn so i dont have to talk to them...making no attempt to talk to anyone. its actually really sad. and i have no idea why im doing it. its weird, i went for a walk last night and i was just you know..walking around, since thats what one does on walks, and normally i love it, but last night..it was weird.. its like i enjoyed half of it..and then i realised that i had no thoughts whats so ever. and then i just got bored of it and was going how pointless is my life right now honestly. i take no intiated to do anything becuase i have tis thing where i would rather be wallowing in my own self pity. and what self pity is there. that self pity of missing someone who wasnt even there?. make sense?.. do i ever. its just gah.. wake up morganne.. i keep telling myself to wake up and smell the roses. i have a over a week left of christmas break.. and i just waste it. you pathetic piece of poopoo..lol.. i wanna have some fizun with some friends. and alot have drifted. and i hate it.. becuase i hate losing touch when its so pointless. maybe i should have a mario gathering..even a poker one. get some friends over.. party.. have some laughs.. and lotsss of pizzaaA!.. yummyyy.. lol.. i probabaly wont but who knows.. im making plans with people for the rest of the break.. and im not bailing.. nope.. and i dont care who there with.. and this new years is going to rock.. becuase i said so so.. blah.. andddddd i love everyone.. and if someone wants to chill tell me.. ever though basically everyone who reads this.. i chill with tomorrow.. but thats alright.. =).. anyways though.. im off for a walk in the fog!.. oh no.. its like fog the movie.. im goin gto get raped by it =O.. lol.. kaila will protect me..haha.. good one.. anyways out though.. xoxox

morgq @ 2005-12-28T16:16:00

2005-12-28T21:16:31Z

room almost done =D

morgq @ 2005-12-26T22:25:00

2005-12-27T03:25:40Z

you make my head fucking hurt

__note to self: i miss you terribly

morgq @ 2005-12-24T14:33:00

2005-12-24T19:42:12Z

well.. i found time to write in this hectic schedule of mine.. well its not that hectic but you know..

anywyas kailas b-day was goooddd.. though i was really tired and fell asleep by 11:30 but sh.
spending christmas eve at kailas house tonight.. should be fun =\.. hah just kidding i love her family.. its kind of gross though in the fact shes bringing a girl.. like that what your suppose to do with a boy.. pfftt.. im the shit =)
watched dead zone this morning.. i forgot how good that movie was.. so rent it.. like now ;)
went to windsor.. dad gave me christmas money becuase he felt bad that i wasnt go to get anything on christmas becuase im blowwing it on drivers ed.. oh well.. im dying my hair with it =D..
i was talking to my dad and hes letting me get a tattoo =O.. well i jjust have to get my hepititus B shot first.. but then he said it was okay.. so that is some awesome news
hmmm.. tomorrow = christmas.. going to oma and opas.. visiting and such. meh im not very cheery christmas.. im more excited in the fact that there is no school.. 2weeks. maybe God does love me?.. lol
well that is all i really have to say.. hope you all have a Merry Christmas Eve!

xo

morgq @ 2005-12-20T06:17:00

2005-12-20T11:38:02Z

"im singing in the rain, yes singing in the rain.. something something.. yes im singing in the rain"

so i realised that i dont know the words to that song.. ill look them up later ;)

so this is going to be a wat chu macallit entry. yes i just made it up but go with me here people =)

-- yesterday i had a good talk with mary that was bugging me for about awhile now. i feel much better and it is good. becuase before i felt like shit. so i figured can only go one way.. and that is up! yes.?..lol
another thing.. came home and spent about an hour looking for kailas present on the internet. yes im a little behind. butt its amazing and i figure get an amazing present instead of a shitty one.. and if she doesnt want it.. hell i will keep it =).. no i seriously will tho. beisides that crapp. my sisters home. and its a bit rocky. i dont know i was talking to her normal yesterday morning about it all. and a part of her seems like she doesnt care. but then she does. and i just felt so bad that i wasnt there to go through it with her. i mean i didnt even go to the hospital when she got it done. i think that personal i deserve the best sister in the world award. you know just personally though. and yeah i dont know. talking aout it made me want to ball. but life is funny like that. so yeah, its werid how if you go to school in your pajamas. poeple think your life is over. lol..if i got asked if i was alright again, i was about to implode.. that is just break down and tell them everything. lol.. luckily people stopped asking =). the best line of the day had to be from chris hunt. i walk into class..."morganne you look like hell today". i go thankkss.. is quite the compliment if i do say so myself;). no it made me laugh. aha.. man tho now that i think about it..i use to dress like that everyday last year and most of the year before.. lol.. so i must of looked like hell alot, and to tell the truth i didnt even think about it twice =D. looks arent everything..helllo. anyways tho.. another wat chu macallit topic.. umm well i just ate some corn puffs cereal.. yummmyyy though now my tummy hurts... bastards. oh and i watched south park yesterday. its pretty sad that i had to make myself stay awake for it, and its only on at 9:30. my sleeping pattern is so effed. lol. i get tired by 5 and i wake up at 5. now that just means something wrong, something that i truly dont know what it could be. oh well. but wat chu macallit, my new layout on here looks like santa came and shit on it. lol. what a jolly good fellow. i was just informing everyone in case the look at journal layouts.. which is no one with a life;).. but if you did and stumbled across my.. you would have realised this. but im changing it dont worry. i was just fiddling around with new codes and poop. so yessireebob. funny story come to think about it. so in the car with the father yesterday, driving mary home. and i was like so dad. if i ever got drunk would you want it to be with you orrr not. hes like no with me, i would care. i go. seriosuly, hes all yeah well party. but hes like if any parents found out i would completely deny the whole thing and say you were all on crack. then about 2 minutes later.he says we would tape it. i go smarrrt one. lol.. hence why i love my father. sometimes ** <- key word rigth there ;). well this is starting to ramble on and on about nothing in particular. christmas is coming up in less than a week. i missed my fam dinner tho=( they gave me a pumpkin pie because they know i love it so. more excited for the break. have to get my beginners before new years. reminding myself on a coupld things dont worry. hmm going to school for only half day tomorrow. have to go to windsor to get clothes sis stole from me and buy half kailas presentt.. annndd.. i think that it. alright. good enough for me. its 6:37am. do you know where your children are =O..

morgq @ 2005-12-15T15:49:00

2005-12-15T20:53:30Z

point to point entry for today:

last night = shredded paper <3 and singing of rudoulph that i dont know the words too..and americans next top model.. REUNION!.. lol. frontal thongs and mux lug pissing..

school.. woke up was planning on skipping becuase figured it would be a pointless day.. really glad i went tho.. really fucking glad (=.

walking home. slush up to my butt.. wet and cold.. and oh so pretty <3

got new cosmo. about to take shower than do some homework and other things..

tonight= oc at kays house.. swapping january and decemeber issues .. good laughs i can tell

tomorrow = school in snow.. 4th film feastt. commming home.. and dont know what im doing..

rest of the weekend will all fall into place ;)

morgq @ 2005-12-14T15:14:00

2005-12-14T20:45:37Z

this is a long thought over entry.. well not entirely.. but what can i say.. lets just say throughout the day things occurred to me.. not that they hadn't before but let me go on..:

so last night.. when i said.. everyone wants what they cant have.. i realised that thats not true. everyone doesnt just want what it is they cant have. its more like you want the best, you want everything that you imagined, and in that there was or is no bad outcome or painful tears involved in it. but in reality, between anything that anyone can want to have, comes with its prices. and once we get that is when we realise that fact, and thats when most people tend to believe that they dont want it anylonger becuase they have it , when in reality its just not worth it [they didnt want it bad enough]. they probably didn't want it as much as they thought all along. it hurts my brain trying to grasp the whole idea, and putting it into words kind of jumbles it up even more. its alrigth i know what im saying. i just hate saying it.

people honeslty confuse me more than a blonde trapped in a maze would get. i just dont get them. i look around at everyone who has changed. im not saying for either the better or the worse, though mostly the worse, but what im saying is everyone has. and i look at them, and i see how much happier they were before. maybe im just seeing things, i dont know. but its as if now, they just walk around for no purpose, not really caring about anything just going on with there life. when before, they were real. they had something in them. most of it is caused by something. but the thing i dont understand is how come they dont change what brought them down in the first place, and then they could be as happy as they were before?. is it that their scared? or that they dont remember? i dont know. i just wish i did, so that maybe i could do something to make them back into what it was they use to be. to be happy with ones life... is that just too much to ask?

last night i stated that i was scared. i was very much mistaken. im not scared. im just so confused. and that at what i want. i dont know what it is anymore. i look at certain days and i know for certain. its like i know what it is i have to have to be "happy with my life".. but then again i go, i dont want that, becuase i can never have that. its the realization i came today. i was a fool for thinking that i could possibly just go in reverse to something i knew so well. probably the dumbest thought that ever crossed my mind. becuase its fake. im seeing that now. and what i see in the future from it i dont want, in the least. i just dont want it as a memory. but then again, you know, i always have to take a risk in my life to find out. i mean going on for the rest of my life wondering, if only i took that chance. thats the only way i can know for certain. its hard, its harder than possibly anything that i can think of at the moment to have gone through this little brain of mine. im willing to risk it all. on a chance lyrics "im taking a chance, this could be different, this could be all ive waited for" end quote? .

yes yes.. my brain at work ladies and gents..

but this is my dream last night, because i remembered it;).. but it was weird..
okay we all went to some picnic thingy in someones backyard. we were all chilling going of some huge ass slip n' slide thing we made, when i went on i crashed through some bushes that magically moved out of the way so i wouldn't get leaves and thorns in my body, so i go through to the neighbours yard, where i see kaila. and she all heyyyy.. come inside to one of my friends house, [no names]. and we get in there and we were cleaning oursleves up after the picnic and then our [no name] friend decides to leave [?]. so me and kay are just laying on tehe bed reading a cosmo im pretty sure [<3] and then we hear water running. i look outside the door and the [no name] friends dad is naked getting into a bath [=\][disturbed]. so me and kaila look at each other and are like wtf . molester? does he know we are here. so we try to sneak out and he sees us. then he started to get out and was like where you girls going. me and kay just start running as fast as we can. and hes like chasing us through the house naked[?]. i dont know what happened after that, and thank god i woke up. probably shouldn't have shared that graphic story. buut you know how they say dreams reveal our deepest desires, well i definatly dont want to see [no names] dad naked. and i definately dont want him trying to rape me thanks. lol. gahh..

South Park last night= the one with the indians!!.. lmao.. watch out or ill give you all sars =}

that concludes this entry.

final note: going to marys band thing tonight?

xo